my subject is not properly worded--its false advertising--what follows is less a story and more a description of part of my day yesterday. this event is one that calls into question all that has occurred before. it is an occurrence that requires one to ask: is this a defining moment in my existence?
nothing in the days build up foreshadowed something of such significance; there was no black cat, no shooting star hinting at my fate. i choose the word fate carefully, for this occurrence cannot be chalked up to random chance, this moment was predestined.
as i drove along the sunny pacific coast highway in southern california something happened. describing the build up to the event is unimportant, the suspense it would create is unnecessary, about as unnecessary as this sentence. as i sat in light traffic i was rear ended by one of the many monstrous black suv's lurking our highways. there was a jolt, a jostle, my radio flew out, my sunglasses stayed on, my seat belt remained fastened, there were no signs of those oh so finicky airbags.
moments later on the side of the road i exited the car to meet my assailant. i didn't notice the man standing in front of me, as much as the fact as there was a man there. he handed me his license, and i put it on my notebook to copy down the information. the texas issued laminated rectangle read: Chuck Norris and was accompanied by a picture of the smiling bearded karate virtuoso (i should not pigeon hole the man, his many talents extend far beyond the field of martial arts). at this point i was in shock, how could i not have noticed i'd been standing next to chuck norris? i turned and looked in a stupor, and muttered something along the lines of 'really?'. the answer was pure Norris, 'yup, thats me'.
there a few additional details i wish to offer for your consideration: chuck norris sports ray ban wayfarers, chuck norris carries a three fold velcro wallet, chuck norris said he is used to dallas driving, not our calm california streets. when i asked if the drivers in dallas were crazy chuck responded by saying: "they should be using horse and buggies". does anyone know what the hell that means? oh and chuck norris knows kai wulff, he said, 'say hello to kai for me'. when chuck norris shakes goodbye after rear-ending you he does not settle for mere hand to hand contact. chuck grabs your hand, engulfs it in his 67 year old, bruce lee battling fingers, then grabs your forearm with his off hand and says 'it was nice meeting you, sorry about the car'.